Shared Experience by Claudia Grech Formosa

Throughout my pregnancy I always relied on the support of my husband, my family and my best friend who was pregnant as well.  We both wanted to breast feed our babies and we applied for a course organized by the breast feeding counselors. It was quite educational and we learnt the truth about breast feeding.  We felt that we were well prepared.  My friend had a normal and quick delivery and breast feeding for her came very naturally.

I was induced on Saturday at 9.30am, begged for an epidural at six, managed to stay ten minutes without moving at eleven while the doctor gave me the epidural and I gave birth at two in the morning.  I gave birth to a baby boy weighing 3.4 kilos.  And it is true that when you see the baby you forget all the pain.  Immediately the midwives attached him to my breast and with all the different emotions, pain anxiety happiness, tiredness, I succeeded in giving him my first feed.  After a shower I was wheeled into the post natal ward.  The midwives kept my son and ordered me to get some rest.  As if one can go to sleep after having just given birth!  After half an hour I was about to sleep when a midwife came holding a crying baby and told me that my son wanted to drink.  And there I was at five in the morning hungry, tired, exhausted, and alone at hospital with a crying baby.  I tried to latch him on but I did not have any hands on practice.  I did knot know if I was doing it correctly or not.  But as long as he did not cry I did not move.  I did not want them to think that I was a bad mother.  I was left all alone to cope.  Even the ward was empty.  When I wanted to go to the toilet I did not know what to do, if to leave the baby alone or take him with me. 

From the start my nipples felt painful.  My husband encouraged me to ask the midwives for help.  They were very helpful and always came whenever I called them but almost all the time I got different advice on how to breast feed and it confused me more.  I never slept for more then half an hour at a stretch.  Sunday night was pure hell.  My stitches ached, my son could not stop crying and he was only latched on properly if I was in awkward positions.  On Monday I met Helen and in two hours she tried to give me enough help and courage so as not to give up.  I was dismissed from hospital.  I went home with a baby who depended on me and two sore nipples.  My husband took over the running of the house.  He bought food and politely kept visitors away.  The day my milk came in was terrible.   My breasts went from 34 DD to 38 H.  They were huge, heavy and very painful.  Just raising my hand to have a shower felt like torture.    Every time I breast fed my nipples got worst.  After just a week I went to hospital to talk to Helen.  She helped me again by showing me good postures to breast feed.  I had a problem with latching on my son properly.  (And it was not true that my son was crying because I did not have enough milk, or that my milk was not good enough etc because my son had already gained 200grms in just a week.)  My husband and I went back home and tried to do as Helen had advised us.  With each feed my nipples got sorer.  The pain started to get unbearable.  By Friday I was dreading feeding time.  It was a very painful toe curling experience.  That day my son threw up blood.  The following day I went again at the post natal ward to talk to a midwife.  I cried and cried. I was torn between wanting to give the best to my son and wanting to give up.  The pain I was experiencing went above my limit of endurance.  A midwife helped me as best as she could but she encouraged me more to start formula milk.  But she told me that if I needed something I could go there any time.  We went home and bought formula milk.  I was so tired that I did not even want to look at my son.  I just wanted to sleep and not feel any pain for a day at least.  I left my husband to fend for himself and to look after our son.  On Sunday I gave my son my first formula bottle and the heartache I felt was incredible.  I realized that I was not giving him the best.  Parenthood does not come with any guide book and babies do not come with instruction books.  That night I talked it over with my husband and decided that I did not want to give up.  I wanted to try and breast feed again.  He was not that keen on the idea since he had seen and lived my pain too.  But he never stopped supporting me.  On Monday I phoned a breast feeding counselor and a friendly voice answered back.  I was a bit in despair.  I had not breast fed for two day and I was in a mess.  Me breast were so engorged that they felt like two rocks.  The lumps felt like the size of a tennis ball.  And my nipples were sore and cracked.  Sarah invited me over to her house and my husband me and the baby went over.  She explained that if I want I could breast feed again and very patiently she explained what I had to do.  Even if I was still in pain I felt so relieved and happy that I was breast feeding again. (Contrary to almost everyone who told me to give up) we went for a two hour drive and went back to Sarah again.  She helped me again to breast feed properly.  Alone that night I gave my son another formula bottle because I could not find a proper position and my nipples got sore and very painful.  That week I went over to Sarah many times and phoned her a lot too.  She was always very helpful.  With each passing day my confidence grew and my nipples began to heal.  At first I did not feel like going out in the public because I was ashamed.  After four months I have breast fed everywhere.  It is my right to breast feed where I want and my duty as a mother to give the best to my son.  I have started to express milk and I am freezing it for when I go back to work.  My target date was to breast feed my son definitely for six months.  Now I do not want to stop.  I have not had a decent sleep since I gave birth and there are still nights when my son wakes up every two hours for a feed.  But I would not change or stop for nothing in this world.  The bond between me and my son is so unique and strong.  Nothing compares to the satisfaction I get when I see my son latched on and when he is feeding and stops to smile at me I know that he is thanking me for giving him the best.  And it is not true that breast fed babies are small babies.  My son is a very active, healthy baby weighing 9.6 kilos at just four months.  Thanks to my strong will, my husband’s support, my mother’s help, my best friend's encouragement and the guidance and friendship of Sarah I can say that my son has received only the best.

Claudia Grech Formosa

July 2004

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